Wait on the Lord

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD."

Psalm 27:13-14

This is an entry written to myself. It is something I find myself having to constantly remind myself of lately - I also find myself pushing it aside more often than I'd like to admit.

Soul, wait on the Lord. This is what you need right now. Why is it so important to wait on the Lord, and what does it mean? I don't have a full answer, but don't forget the small pieces God is teaching you now.

Waiting on God means you have to stop. Stop being in control. You have to stop trying to wrap your hands around the situation or the problem.
Waiting on God means you have to stop needing a certain outcome. It is this need that pushes you to take control and work things out toward that outcome. You start manipulating, coercing, demanding, pleading, devising, or otherwise doing things to guarantee circumstances go the way you want.
In other words, waiting on God means you have to let go. Not let go in the sense that you do nothing. This is not a lazy letting go. Letting go in the sense that you are willing to trust God with whatever outcome He allows. This trust is based in the confidence that God is good, and is doing good in your life even if the outcome is not what you would have chosen.
Waiting on God is a recognition that you don't have the answer, that you don't know what's best, that you can't do it, that you are incapable, dependent, needy, and weak. It is humbling, especially since you were so caught up in this age, an age that demands instant results, and loathes someone who doesn't have an answer. An age that despises anyone who is dependent and needy. An age that is, in fact, nothing more than a lie. For anyone who would dare think of themselves as not needy and not dependent, or even just feel it, knowing better than to think it, as you did, has deceived themselves. Thus, waiting on the Lord is a recognition of what is already true about my own self: I am weak, needy, dependent, incapable, and so must wait for God to lead me and act on my behalf.
Waiting on God means you stop looking to yourself, and look only to God.
More controversial, I would say that this applies even to your own fight against sin. You are not capable of defeating sin alone. Haven't you proven this to yourself enough already? If you try, you will either fail, or have a failed success. You might stop yourself from some particular sin, but you are unable to change the heart condition from which that sin sprang, and so that sin will be replaced by another sin, and usually, the new sin is self righteousness, or a sense of confidence in your ability. Does that mean you do nothing? No - it means you call out to God and wait for Him to answer. And while you wait, you prepare the way by humbling yourself before Him. Then, in your waiting, He shows up, in His time, and reveals the next step. He may do this by teaching you a new truth from His Word, encouragement from a wise friend, chastisement as a consequence to sin, life circumstances, etc. You know that all things work together for the good of making you more like Christ, if you love God, so you obey, and wait, and He shows another step. You obey, and wait, and He shows another. Over time, He leads you to victory. Don't overwhelm yourself by looking at the whole law, and at all the ways you are failing. Leave all that at the cross and just focus on the next step the Holy Spirit reveals. Each of these steps may involve something very hard, maybe even a real fight against sin - so this is certainly not a lazy waiting - but it is God alone who knows the way, and the way is often different for different people. A unique path custom made for each of us. All of your learning and knowledge of truth is not so that you can know how to achieve victory yourself, but rather it is so that you can know your Father and how to follow Him so that He can lead you. The important thing here is dependence. In fact, you have experienced many times lately where God will reveal the next step and you falter, being unable to actually take it... so you cry out to Him in utter dependence, "Oh God, I do not know how to do this - I don't know how to let go of this... please, help me!" And He has always answered that prayer, eventually.
This is a hand-to-mouth existence. If God gives, you thrive, if He turns away, you die - as the Psalmist says in Psalm 104:27-30 (The Message),

All the creatures look expectantly to you
to give them their meals on time.
You come, and they gather around;
you open your hand and they eat from it.
If you turned your back,
they'd die in a minute—
Take back your Spirit and they die,
revert to original mud;
Send out your Spirit and they spring to life—
the whole countryside in bloom and blossom.

Utter dependence on God, whether you acknowledge it or not. If He were to turn His back on any of us for a moment, we would die. A sobering thought to you, if you forgo waiting on the Lord - turning your back to Him and setting out alone - even if you are setting out on the "good" path of obeying His commands, to set out alone is sin, iniquity. Even in your defiant attempt at independence, it is only God's continued grace toward you that keeps you alive as you attempt to fool yourself into thinking you are in control. God is merciful. He gives you a chance to repent.
Waiting on the Lord means you listen expectantly. You know He will answer and move, since you are asking Him for a good thing, or rather, you are asking Him for the same thing He wants in your life. You actively look for His answer, and desire to yield to whatever it may be. This is important, because very often God answers your prayer and tries to show you the next step, but you turn a blind eye, not wanting to face it, or not wanting to submit. The expectation here is coupled with your admission that you don't know what is best. Oh, your flesh tells you a certain outcome would certainly be best, but you know that God's best always brings a far greater, genuine, permanent joy, and so you can be excited for God's answer, even if it is what you don't want. You are excited, because through His answer comes a joy and glory that cannot even be compared with any momentary sorrow.
Waiting on the Lord means you hunger and thirst, and as a result readily receive whatever mana God gives, with thanksgiving - just as someone dying of thirst in the desert feels the greatest gratitude of their life for nothing more than a sip of water, even if that water be muddy or off taste - a sip taken entirely for granted in other circumstances. You see how poor you truly are now, and every bit of grace is ecstatic to the soul.
If you acknowledge what is already true, that you are weak, and so turn to God rather than yourself, you discover what He is capable of:

Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired
His understanding is inscrutable.
He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Waiting on the Lord requires a basic faith that God is real and will really move if you wait for Him. Maybe not toward the outcome you want, but definitely toward what is best for you.

Stop worrying, stop obsessing, stop manipulating, stop aggrandizing, stop demonstrating, stop parading, stop wearing your masks, stop coercing, just stop. Rest. Quiet down. Pray. Seek God. Wait for Him. Trust Him. And listen. Listen carefully for that still, small voice.

An echo through the centuries

I don't know anything about Mechthild of Magdeburg, except that she had a profound love for God and wrote many expressions of that love during her life, which was sometime in the 1200s (about 800 years ago). I came across a couple of those writings today and they so resonated with my spirit and with what God has been teaching me that I am compelled to share them. I can't vouch for anything else she may have written or believed... but I do see great truth in these writings.

Of the nine choirs and how they sing:
Now listen, beloved, listen with the ears of the spirit,
this is how the nine choirs sing:

We praise you Lord, that you sought us out with your humility,
We praise you Lord, that you maintained us with your mercy,
We praise you Lord, that you honoured us in your disgrace,
We praise you Lord, that you guided us with your gentleness,
We praise you Lord, that you set us in order with your wisdom,
We praise you Lord, that you protected us with your strength,
We praise you Lord, that you sanctified us with your nobility,
We praise you Lord, that you gave us insights with your intimacy,
We praise you Lord, that you lifted us up with your loving kindness.
...
Thus speaks a beggar in her prayer to God:
Lord, I thank you for having taken from me in your love all earthly riches,
that you now clothe and feed me with the goods of strangers;
for everything that, with delight, my heart clings to as its own
must become estranged from me.

Lord, I thank you for having taken from me the strength of my eyes
and that you now serve me with the eyes of strangers.

Lord, I thank you for having taken from me the strength of my hands,
and that you now serve me with the hands of strangers.

Lord, I thank you for having taken from me the strength of my heart,
and that you now serve me with the hearts of strangers.

Lord, I thank you for them that you reward them on this earth with your divine love,
so that they will feel obliged to pray to you and serve you with all their might until their holy death.

All those who, with a pure heart, leave everything for the love of God are arch beggars;
they shall rule in judgment on the last day with Jesus our Redeemer.

Lord, everything I complain to you about must be changed in me and in all sinners.

Lord, you must grant me and all imperfect religious people everything I ask you for,
for the sake of your own glory.

Lord, no matter what I do, fail to do, or suffer,
your praise must never be silent in my heart. Amen.

The thoughts contained in this next quote may take some by surprise. Those of us raised in fundamentalist churches may even bristle at what is said... but think carefully about these words. They do indeed speak truth. She is not ascribing any kind of value or importance to herself, but rather to what God has worked and is working. Let the way she presents this truth shock you out of your stupor. God intends to glorify Himself in us, and if so, then how? By this very thing:

God: What do you bring Me, My Queen?

Soul: Lord, I bring You my precious treasure; It is greater than the mountains,
Wider than the world, Deeper than the sea, Higher than the clouds, More glorious
than the sun, more numerous than the sun, more numerous than the stars,
it outweighs the entire earth!
[note: she is free to ascribe such value to this "treasure" because of her faith in Jesus, who has redeemed her and given her a new heart - His own heart - a heart with desires that far outweigh the value of the world]

God: O you, the image of My Divine likeness, made noble by My humanity [referring to Jesus, who is God as human and has redeemed us], adorned by My Holy Spirit, what do you call this precious treasure?

Soul: O Lord, I call it my heart's desire!
I have kept it away from worldly things,
I have denied others and myself my heart's desire.
Now I can no longer carry it. Where, O Lord, shall I lay it?

God: You shall place your heart's desire nowhere but in My own Divine Heart and on my human breast. There alone you will find comfort and My Spirit will embrace you.

Finally, let me share the end of Psalm 33, and then, her answer to this Psalm:

Watch this: God's eye is on those who respect him,
    the ones who are looking for his love.
He's ready to come to their rescue in bad times;
    in lean times he keeps body and soul together.

We're depending on God;
    he's everything we need.
What's more, our hearts brim with joy
    since we've taken for our own his holy name.
Love us, God, with all you've got—
    that's what we're depending on.

And so, she prays:

Ah, Lord, love me passionately, love me often, love me long. For the more continuously
You love me, the purer I will be; the more fervently You love me, the more beautiful
I will be; the longer You love me, the holier I will become here on earth.

Did you know that God wants us to desire His love for us? Did you know that it is not selfish for you to seek out God's love for you? It would be selfish for me to seek out the love of others for my own consumption, but it is not selfish for me to seek out the love of God. In fact, God wants us to do so. Is this a new thought to you? God actually wants you to seek out His love for you. He actually longs for you to ask Him to love you more. And do you think He will deny such a good request?

Thank you, God, for You.

You are the exalted One, sovereign over all. You are the God that created. You are the God that creates. You are the God that delights in creating. "When he established the heavens, I was there; when he drew a circle on the face of the deep, when he made firm the skies above, when he established the fountains of the deep, when he assigned to the sea its limit, so that the waters might not transgress his command, when he marked out the foundations of the earth, then I was beside him, like a master workman, and I was daily his delight, rejoicing before him always, rejoicing in his inhabited world and delighting in the children of man." (Prov 8:27-31)

You have drawn me to Yourself. You spoke over the void and created this world. You spoke over my soul and said, "let there be light." You raised me from the dead. You have shown yourself to me. You have broken me, exposed my iniquity, and from there nursed me to health. It is true, as others have said, your rod and your staff are a comfort and reassurance.
You have been a loving Father, gently leading, showing your love in all you do. You teach me the way of life, and show me how to walk in it. When I am not able, you work all things toward that end in my heart, both to will and to do your good pleasure. You give me hope, because you give me growth... growth I have never been able to achieve without you. And now I can see you are at work in me. Now I can see you are taking me somewhere - you have a plan for my soul. It may be my earthly lot is obscurity, but I do not look at the earthly. You have taught my eyes how to see what is not seen, how to want what is not visible. You have put heaven in my heart, allowing me, for the first time, to be motivated by You and Your eternal riches.
You are the God that finishes what He begins. If it were up to me, O Lord, if it were up to me, I would lose all that you've given. I know! I've done it before! I took this new life for granted and slowly turned away, without even realizing. But You were faithful. You sought me out again and turned me back. In You I trust, O God. Even my faith is a gift, and I cry out to You: never let me take it for granted again. Help me, O my dear Father, help me to embrace what the Spirit is doing.

Thank you God, that You care for each of us. You have the plan, You have the glory, You have everything worked out. We could be but one cosmic spec of dust in this great machine - utterly insignificant. But You, who are the One Significant over all, You know us each intimately. We find our significance, not in ourselves or anything we do, but rather, in that the All Significant One knows us. We are significant to You, for Your own reasons.
Thank you God, that You are love, mercy, power, and justice all at once. You suffer long now, so that all of us have a chance to choose You. But I thank You that You will visit this world in all your power and glory. One day the elect will be swept away, and You will set all wrongs right. Your great power and wrath will pour out on all those who mock you, disregard you, or otherwise try to live life apart from you. All those that think only of themselves, hurting others in the process. All the tears shed over all the years will find their answer in that day. All the blood soaked into the mud will have its true and just vengeance in that day. All those who mock. All those who call what is good evil and what is evil good... all of them will face your fierce wrath. You will shake the very foundations of the world. It will be impossible to ignore You then. Everyone who was so strong and mighty will be in utter terror before You. Yes, that is my wonderful, loving Father, bringing justice upon the earth. But not before mercy, not before love. He sent His only Son, Jesus. Jesus, in His great love, died for us, took our punishment, and felt His Father's wrath on our behalf. He gives redemption as a gift to all who will receive it. We have this time now to turn and choose our beloved Christ. It is not necessary for anyone to suffer God's wrath. All they have to do is choose Christ. This is what You made possible, God, in Your great plan.
Here I am, God. Here I am. I want more of You. I hunger and thirst for You. Show me more, I pray.

My Father in heaven, I worship Your precious and holy name - may all the world worship it as well. May Your kingdom come quickly... Usher it in my own heart, so that I do Your will here on earth, just as it is done in heaven. I am utterly dependent on You daily, so I ask you to provide for me today both physically and spiritually. I am dependent on You for food. I am dependent on You for forgiveness, O God - please give me grace to forgive others, especially in light of all you've forgiven me. I am dependent on You even for the ability to be dependent on You and the ability to follow You! So, please, lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil.
For the Kingdom, the Power, and the Glory are Yours.
Now and Forever.
Amen.

Sabotaged by the Shadow

This is a selection from T.S. Eliot's "The Hollow Men",

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the shadow
...
Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
...
Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
and the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow

People wonder what it means - but sometimes life puts you in a place where you experience what it means... you realize words can never really capture it, and he said it well.

The Woman at the Well

A moment.
All our life we thirsted,
But never knew it,
For it was all we ever knew.
But in a moment...
A cup was lifted to our lips -
We drank the sweet liquid...
And in a moment,
All the pain of all the years
Stood out like a blistering spire
Against the peace
Of that moment,
And we became aware...
All our life we've longed for this,
But never dared to believe in it.
We were taught this
By that moment.

Now we know,
And will never be satisfied
With anything less.
This one act of kindness
Has awakened us.
Our eyes are opened;
We see the desert all around.
The blistering heat
Warping all reality in mirage.
We abandon it,
Setting out for what we've tasted
In that moment.

A moment,
And everything changes.